Edinburgh
Capital city and the pride of the Mayoress Miss Jean Brodie who is so old she is known as Old Creaky. Called the Athens of the north (by people who haven’t seen Athens). The castle features the local lesbian tribute group, the Edinburgh Tatu.
Highlands
Place where there’s not much to do but toss the caber.
Glencoe
Runner at the Highland Games.
Tossing the caber
Saps your energy if you do it before a run.
Clans
Scottish seafood
McDonalds and Campbells
Had a battle over territory. One wanted a burger bar and the other a soup kitchen. Eventually Ronald McDonald triumphed over Glen Campbell, who had to move to Phoenix without telling his wife.
Grampians
Caledonian grandparents.
Galloway
Twinned with Baghdad.
Loch Ness
What they have to do every night to stop the monster stealing the water.
Isle of Skye
Scottish remake of I Love Lucy starring Billy Connolly.
Mullo’Kintyre
Scottish soup invented by Paul McCartney to take away the taste of his wife’s cooking.
Stone of Scone
One of Linda McCartney’s unsuccesful ranges.
1745 Rebellion
A particularly nasty fight in The William Wallis-Simpson public house in a small mountain village when the landlord, a Mr Tam O’Shanter, tried to end the traditional happy-hour at quarter to six. This became known as the Highland Clearance.
Sporran
What Scots frogs do in the spring.
Hogmanay
Money to buy sausages and bacon
The Order of the Thistle
T, H, I…
We’re doomed, Captain Mainwaring!
What passes for optimism north of the border.
Conclusion
Scotland is most famous for its inventors. They gave the world the telephone, the television and warp factor nine.
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